To the readers.
When you come face to face with a problem, what would you do? Run away? Tackle it head on? Come to terms with it?
I think I've been running away from everything that is bugging me. I guess I've also been unable to come to terms with the fact that I've lost someone very important three years ago. My grandmother was always my pillar of support; she took care of me since I was a baby, loved me, and sided me whenever I did something wrong or bad, begging my mother not to hit and scold me. It was her who used to tell me not to run away from reality. She taught me a lot, only that I didn't realise, and I have been really cruel.
I hated her at times for being such a nag, but it was my grandmother who knew me best. She knew what I loved to eat, and would cook it for me. She knew I loved the cold of winter, and hated the warmth of summer. That's why even when she was really ill and frightened of the cold, she insisted that my mother turn on the aircon before we slept.
When she passed away, I sort of suffered a lag reaction. I didn't cry much at first, and lived life just the way it was. Then, I realised something was wrong. I realised that the house was empty whenever I came home from school. I realised that my mother's cooking wasn't as fantastic as my grandmother's.
And then it hit me. I will never see my grandmother alive again. I finally cried.
I realised that she wouldn't be here to support me, to speak up for me, to comfort me, when things go wrong anymore. I didn't have anyone to turn to. I didn't feel comfortable opening up to my own mother or any of my family, and I don't trust my friends enough to let my true emotions show. So I hid everything behind a smile, up till now.
And yesterday, I had a really lousy day in school. Everything opposed me, and I returned home feeling terrible. After watching Hana Kimi, which actually comforted me and made me slightly happier, I went back to my room, and broke down. I thought of all my problems, all I've encountered, and I found that I haven't improved matters at all.
I missed my grandmother, but it would be selfish of me to wish her back, because she will only suffer. But I needed someone to talk to, and I really needed someone to understand my intentions.
Somehow, I finally made up my mind: I'm not going to hide behind a smile again. I'm going to be who I really am, and I am not going to care what others think of me as long as I know what I really want. I'm unique; so sue me. I'd rather be labeled "oddball", "weirdo" and "crazy" than trying to be who I am not.
That's what my grandmother would want. I'm not going to run or hide from my problems anymore. If people hate me for who I am, then so be it. I'm no longer the pushover they know.
Song: 傻傻的勇氣-楊子樸 in Hana Kimi
+~ainsel~+
I think I've been running away from everything that is bugging me. I guess I've also been unable to come to terms with the fact that I've lost someone very important three years ago. My grandmother was always my pillar of support; she took care of me since I was a baby, loved me, and sided me whenever I did something wrong or bad, begging my mother not to hit and scold me. It was her who used to tell me not to run away from reality. She taught me a lot, only that I didn't realise, and I have been really cruel.
I hated her at times for being such a nag, but it was my grandmother who knew me best. She knew what I loved to eat, and would cook it for me. She knew I loved the cold of winter, and hated the warmth of summer. That's why even when she was really ill and frightened of the cold, she insisted that my mother turn on the aircon before we slept.
When she passed away, I sort of suffered a lag reaction. I didn't cry much at first, and lived life just the way it was. Then, I realised something was wrong. I realised that the house was empty whenever I came home from school. I realised that my mother's cooking wasn't as fantastic as my grandmother's.
And then it hit me. I will never see my grandmother alive again. I finally cried.
I realised that she wouldn't be here to support me, to speak up for me, to comfort me, when things go wrong anymore. I didn't have anyone to turn to. I didn't feel comfortable opening up to my own mother or any of my family, and I don't trust my friends enough to let my true emotions show. So I hid everything behind a smile, up till now.
And yesterday, I had a really lousy day in school. Everything opposed me, and I returned home feeling terrible. After watching Hana Kimi, which actually comforted me and made me slightly happier, I went back to my room, and broke down. I thought of all my problems, all I've encountered, and I found that I haven't improved matters at all.
I missed my grandmother, but it would be selfish of me to wish her back, because she will only suffer. But I needed someone to talk to, and I really needed someone to understand my intentions.
Somehow, I finally made up my mind: I'm not going to hide behind a smile again. I'm going to be who I really am, and I am not going to care what others think of me as long as I know what I really want. I'm unique; so sue me. I'd rather be labeled "oddball", "weirdo" and "crazy" than trying to be who I am not.
That's what my grandmother would want. I'm not going to run or hide from my problems anymore. If people hate me for who I am, then so be it. I'm no longer the pushover they know.
Song: 傻傻的勇氣-楊子樸 in Hana Kimi
+~ainsel~+
posted by Ukyo at
2/27/2007 08:48:00 AM
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